Конкурс по английскому языку

English jokes:

Two Scots, a father and his son, go to America.

- Daddy, when we’ll arrive?

- Shut up and swim.   

"Where do you come from?" the Scotsman asked an American. "From the greatest country in the world," replied the American. "Funny," said the Scotsman, "you've got the strangest Scottish accent I've ever heard."        

- Shall we take a bus or walk?

- Well, lets see what arrives first.

Two friends:

- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?

- Of course! How many people are coming?

- Three, if you bring your girlfriend.

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and was blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."  

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"         

The Only One

A young teacher just beginning his career asks advice of an older member of the faculty; "What have you learned in your years of experience?"

"I've learned one thing. Often you will find while you are giving a lesson in class that there is one young upstart who always disagrees with you. Tell me, would you stop him and try to make him shut up right then and there?"

"I suppose I would."

"Well, don't. He's probably the only one * who is listening to you."       

"Daddy, where were you born?"

"New York, dear."

"Where was mummy born?"

"In Los Angeles."

"And where was I born?"

"Albuquerque."

"It certainly is funny how we three managed to get together, isn't it?"     

Professor: Why are you late?

Student: Class started before I got here.

Husband: Darling, your face looks a million dollars!

Wife: Oh, really, my dear?

Husband: Yeah, all green and wrinkled

Why did a naughty girl put her phone into the fireplace? - She wanted to have a hot line!

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, an onion a day keeps everyone away! 

Three young men had a holiday in New York. They were staying at the forty-five-floor hotel on the last stage. One day they went to the theathre and came back to the hotel late. The night clerk greeted them with the news:"The lift is not working!".   "We'll walk upstairs,"- said one of them. - "But we shall leave our overcoats downstairs. To pass the time you, Bill, will sing songs for the first fifteen floors. For the next fifteen floors you, John, will tell us some funny stories and for the last fifteen floors I shall tell you some sad stories."  So they started. Bill sang songs, John told funny stories and soon they came to the thirtieth floor."Now, Bob, it's your turn to tell us some sad stories."- John said and Bob cried :"Oh, I have a very sad story for you. We have left our keys downstairs.